Don’t Cook Party is proud to sponsor Mr Mozzarella in the upcoming Corby by-election on 15th November. Here’s a not-so-little note from the man himself (sorry, he does like to natter on):
“Hello, voters and fellow Don’t Cook Party supporters. My name is Mr Mozzarella, and I is a professional takeaway chef. But I am also a politician, ready to prove myself as MP for the friendliest town in the world, Corby. Why? Because me and my fellow takeaway chefs of Great Britain is angry. We is angry because we is slavin’ away in hot kitchens up and down the country ready to deliver your dinner, and yet many many people are trying to cook for themselves. It’s a-pretty sad the crimes against cooking people is committing in their kitchens.
Comrades and wonderful people of Corby, my message is this, don’t cook! Like the Don’t Cook Party, my sworn enemy is all those celebrity chefs who keep encouraging people to try cooking tricky recipes, which only end up in humiliation and rage, and a kitchen all messy-messy. Gordon Oliver, Nigel Lawson, Hugh Fiddly-Widdly – I will deal with you, don’t you worry.
The secret to being a successful politician is the ability to make promises. Just ask Nick Clogg. So this is my promise: when I am Prime Minister I will work tirelessly, non-stop, whenever I’m not busy in my pizza restaurant (Monday nights, mainly), to earn my place amongst the great Prime Ministers – Stanley Baldywin, Boy George and Winston Churchill, the insurance dog.
I am inspired by the memory of my father who came over to England with nothing but the clothes he stood up in, and his wood-burning pizza oven. Even though everyone back then was a bit grey, and sexually repressed, he felt enormous pride to be an illegal immigrant. He was Italian of course, but I’m 110% British. I was so very proud, I was moved to tears the day Prince William and Princess Pippa were married in the beautiful surroundings of Downton Abbey.
It’s obvious David Cameroon and his Tory-Lib-Labs have to go. I got nothing against him personally – he has clearly never cooked a thing in his life; but he and his mates is out of touch with real people. They is all toffs who went to Eton, Harrow and Hogwarts. And please don’t think that I have just been parachuted in to Corby like your last MP, Louise Minaj. No, I and my moped delivery boys know the streets of Corby like the back of our hairy hands. So no takeaways will be lost – not on my watch.
If erected, I promise to abolish speed bumps throughout Corby, to allow my delivery boys quicker access to your homes. I will also come round to each of your homes and rip out your kitchens – free of charge!
So, people of Corby – if you would rather eat than cook, please join our revolution. Vote for Don’t Cook. Vote for me, Mr Mozzarella. But only if you is out and about. If not, if you is at home, all cosy in front of the fire watching telly, you can always vote later. I thank you.”
Follow Mr Mozzarella on his campaign trail and keep up to date with the latest news and activities from Corby here. There’s tons of fun planned for Corby – watch this space!